so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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