Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
