My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize