get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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