Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
They have beer where we have blood.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
