I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
