you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
