I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize