Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
