I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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