i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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