i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
