So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
