God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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