Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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