just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
i think i just lost a toe
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
