i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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