We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
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