yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
