Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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