Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
