i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
