is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
