how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
