Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
