there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
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