We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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