i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Randomize
