I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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