HIV tests are more positive than that guy
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
i out mim tonsoeep
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