I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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