Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I currently don't understand fingers.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
