If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize