On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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