You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
