dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
