I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
