Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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