Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
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