i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
