Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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