You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
We had sex on a dog bed..
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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