This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
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I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
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Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo