my text book just quoted the cookie monster
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
25 Times Terrible Advice Was Given To A Teenager
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes