Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Randomize
