Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
