shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
