Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
