ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
