are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
