Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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