my soul wont recognize me after tonight
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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