at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
