Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
