We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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