I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
