I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Farmville is her only friend.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
