just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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