I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
